what would happen if I jumped from that window on the third floor
8Reply
deleted
· 6 years ago
That's evil me trying to come out. I have to remind him to stay waaaay back there.
9Reply
deleted
· 6 years ago
What would happen if I drove left into oncoming traffic
11Reply
deleted
· 6 years ago
Here's the thing, I am scared shitless of heights, but when I am at someplace high enough, my mind instantly tells me jump off and within milliseconds it tells me that that's not really a good idea.
11Reply
deleted
· 6 years ago
Or pushing this random stranger into the train railway..
Yes! I have OCD. It never ends. Sometimes I'll be chilling with my sister when our family isn't home and I think, 'Wow, I could literally just violently bludgeon her to death right now and there's no way she could stop me.' And then I feel like crying because I had such a terrible thought.
Haha that's true, but I wasn't even angry with her. We were just sitting on the couch together watching some mindless TV show and my brain started wandering...I had to leave the room because I was so scared I would hurt her.
I've had moments like that. The most common one would be when I'm in a vehicle and I suddenly think "I could just open the door and fall into traffic." Not even in a depressed way. But it usually happens when I'm feeling disassociated, and then I often have to make a conscious effort to redirect my train of thought.
Has happened towards other people as well, where it's like "I could do this horrible thing for no reason to them right now," but that's just the only example I can think of atm.
Oh, don't even get me started on the dissociating! I have spent literal days of my life dissociating, not caring or even knowing if what was going on around me was even real. It's both horrifying and amazing, how my brain is THAT fucked up from the trauma that I can literally forget I am alive and just drift off for days on end. It's liberating. But it can be frustrating because I'll want to 'come back' into my mind and my brain is like, "no, buddy, it's not safe here," and I'll literally just be sitting at my desk staring off into the great beyond. So bizarre.
Exactly. From what you've mentioned before, I'm not surprised you experience it. I can't say ive really been through any trauma on that level, and mine doesn't last for days. But I've had moments, sometimes lasting a few hours. It's almost like my brain becomes two seperate entities for me, with the one just looking around going:
"This may as well be a movie or a book or a dream or someone else entirely. And I dont even give a fuck." Not angry, just completely apathetic and detached. Sometimes even kind of amused because everything feels so far removed from myself. And sometimes it DOES feel liberating, which can be a little worrisome
The other part of my brain will be somewhere in the background going: "okay, but you know that IS real, right? That's you. That's happening. I mean, we should be caring about this."
Whether my brain decides to concede to the second part determines how long the episodes last.
Not sure if how I described it makes sense or not haha
Has happened towards other people as well, where it's like "I could do this horrible thing for no reason to them right now," but that's just the only example I can think of atm.
"This may as well be a movie or a book or a dream or someone else entirely. And I dont even give a fuck." Not angry, just completely apathetic and detached. Sometimes even kind of amused because everything feels so far removed from myself. And sometimes it DOES feel liberating, which can be a little worrisome
The other part of my brain will be somewhere in the background going: "okay, but you know that IS real, right? That's you. That's happening. I mean, we should be caring about this."
Whether my brain decides to concede to the second part determines how long the episodes last.
Not sure if how I described it makes sense or not haha