Sometimes “nothing” is the best thing to do. And sometimes- there isn’t anything to do. But you can also give “thoughts and prayers” for those things you can’t change- like the suffering a person has ALREADY gone through, AND possible do something to help a person with current or future troubles. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. But... here’s a thought. Why do we always assume that it’s the person replying “thoughts and prayers” who is at fault?
Process this: your girlfriend/boyfriend/???friend had a bad day. Their boss is being very unfair. They are telling you about it. Are they venting? Do they WANT your advice or sympathy? As you listen and nod and say some sort of affirming comment- aren’t you just saying “my thoughts and prayers are with you...”?
AND- do they WANT you to do anything about it? If someone is talking about how this and that happened and now they don’t think they can pay their car note this month... Will you go out and pay it? If the boss is being a jerk are you going to call their boss and set them straight? Submit their resume to other companies and set up interviews? Would it shock you to know many people might get upset that you did these things? That some of these things may actually make things worse or interfere with their plans?
If I WANT or NEED to borrow money to pay my bills I’m going to ask aren’t I? That’s my job. If I tell you a sad story about being short on money... I’m not asking for help. I didn’t ask a question. I didn’t suggest anything you could do to help me. I might in fact not want to feel beholden to you (even if you say I’m not...) or as an adult I might want to handle my own stuff, or... I might not want to call in favors on things I know are hard but I can handle, and save the help for when I think I NEED it.
So sure. If you say “Gee Guest_, Someone stole all my presents right before the winter holidays, and I was wondering if you could help me out...” or “I started this go fund me because....” and I say “thoughts and prayers!” That’s maybe a bit of a dismissive response there. But if you just say “someone stole my car and I really needed that car!” Wtf you want me to say? “Gee. That sucks.” That’s just a less “supportive” version of “thoughts and prayers.” And if I’m broke as a joke too and you hit me up? Or I feel bad for you but not bad enough to do something? I still feel bad. Wish you the best- but help isn’t coming from me.
I mean- the most classic example of this is when people die. Are you really going to turn around when your grandma says “sorry for your loss” (ANOTHER version of “thoughts and prayers,”) or literally: “you and the family have my thoughts and prayers...” and you’re gonna say: “Thats not goOd enough. DO SOMETHING...” do what fool? I ain’t the crypt keeper. They dead. I can be here. Talk to you if you want. If you need something you can ASK me.
But all those things, rely on YOU. Closed mouths don’t get fed. If you want help- ask. If you want to talk- talk. It isn’t other people’s place to butt in to your personally tragedy. Some people like to be left be when things go bad. Your business isn’t my business until you make it my business. But if you’re not sure what someone wants... something like “you’re in my thoughts...” “I’m here....” etc- all just serve to let them know- to reach out and to give them a chance to reach back if they like.
There is a very large difference between knowing how human interaction works on a 1 to 1 basis and sending thoughts and prayers about a larger issue. The vast majority of the time in such a case there is something they can do other than gawk at a Facebook post out of boredom and half heartily hit the autofill thoughts and prayers on their phone.
Hurricane hits. You CAN do something. Donate time? Money? Yes. But- why can’t you do that AND let the people involved know that you feel for them? Your point holds they “do nothing..” but it isn’t just a loss of a house or whatever a person is going through is it? You can’t kill the family dog and then just give them another dog and have everything be happy good feelings right? So “doing something” doesn’t necessarily acknowledge the emotional side of the issue does it? One can do both. One can also of course- do one or the other as well.
As for 1-1 interaction- that’s ultimately what it is about isn’t it? In the end, you’re helping a person. Maybe 1, 5, 5,000 as situation and your resources allow- but those effected by tragedy aren’t a hive mind, they are a collection of individuals. Any action you take on the matter is ultimately to someone’s benefit. If there wasn’t someone to be benefitted by it- no one would care would they? No one will call you a hero for folding a paper in half because... what was the reason? Who saw any benefit? Planting a tree might get more reaction since any person who might contact that tree or breath air from it, get the effects on the local ecosystem etc. - benefits.
doing your part to help during a tragedy doesnt make you a hero it makes you a normal functional member of society. You are making a hella false equivalency in comparing it to knowing when to give advise vs listen as well as making the assumption that people who give thoughts and prayers on facebook do anything to help other than go through the motion of typing on a phone. The actual real world numbers of monetary donations and bodies on the ground show that such isnt true, shows that the majority of people that give "thoughts and prayers" dont do anything else at all.
"oh but at least some of them will also do something" isnt an argument.
people go to facebook to have something to gawk at when they are bored. Thats it. They give thoughts and prayers on something and forget about it 10 minutes later when they see their great aunt carla ate a buffalo burger and turned vegan because of it.
Ok. So... if people go to Facebook to gawk at and have something to do when bored.... then reasonably posting on Facebook would be most effective if you are posting, and one might expect you be posting.... things for people to gawk at when bored no? I mean- a divorce lawyer probably won’t get great results posting their ads in the bathroom at an elementary school will they? Given that on the whole- mostly kids will see it. You could also try offering tech support at a swimming pool- but since most people came there to lounge about or swim- you probably won’t get a huge amount of business on the spot.
People do forget. They forget because they probably don’t really care that much. They probably don’t really care that much because their Facebook feed and the news and the street they walk down and the website they were just looking at ant the grocery store pin pad and more- all have a sob story from someone. All are asking for money or something else to help someone. And they may or may not have given what they have or feel like parting with to one of those people.
They might also just simply not want to take the effort to figure out wether you are legit or your cause or your organization. But either way- here you are- in their Facebook feed, with a sad story, one of many, and as a human, they probably feel bad for you. But- not bad enough to help.
But- let’s say they DO decide to help! Well... once long ago before social media- there was war, famine, drought and unrest in Ethiopia. Well- a WHOLE load of people and celebrities got together And they put on a benefit! Live Aid. It was a worldwide success! People donated! People came to help! And.... all that money went to a brutal genocidal dictator who used it to buy weapons for his war. Ouch.
Building homes, schools, how could that go wrong? Oh. Well. It turns out that often times those programs put local laborers out of business. Why hire a local when some guys with better tools and skills and materials will do it for free? Other things come into play and can destabilize economies, cause shortages, conflicts, etc.
Not every “good deed” goes wrong. Not even most. But- between outright scams and doin. More harm than good- there’s enough to think twice. So even if you DO give time or money etc- that’s not enough if you haven’t researched and understood the larger implications of what you are doing and the halo it holds. If you don’t- you’re a lucky idiot if things go well. It’s a lot harder to kill 100,000 people a day or finance a dictatorship with well wishes than cash or labor.
@bethorien- you are using binary thinking. You assume that we must take one outlook or the other and apply it universally. There is no more cause to universally decry well wishes than there is to universally decry good intentions because they may be misplaced or go awry.
You say that it is unlikely a person giving well wishes to a disaster also donated to it or volunteered- or that most who do one don’t do the other. Perhaps. But when we look the odds are much more likely that the person giving well wishes to one disaster or tragedy or persons in need has given to another this year or will.
If you had a million dollars to endow- you could give $1 to a million worth causes and run out of money before you ran out of people to help- and for $1 likely not help any of them much. You could also split it between one of a few and make an impact. Most people who give to charity don’t have. Million. .20 here, $1 there, maybe an occasional $10 or $100. But those small donations add up dont they?
So who are you to say or to know who gives money to family in need? Who volunteers at an animal shelter, a soup kitchen, a library or children’s events? Who gave $500 to a family of a coworker so they could bring home the body of a dead overseas relative or get a surgery or medical device for a family member in need?
Who buys boots for employees who don’t have money for shoes, gives $100 bill to a homeless guy here and there (my old boss would do this whenever he went to a grocery store himself.) Who donates their valuable and easily sellable old items to charities for the needy instead of selling them online? Who mentors and cultivates those they meet who could use it?
Who hires people not based on primarily qualifications but on who seems to NEED it the most and has potential to eventually fill the role? And who does many or all these things and more?
But nah. You right Beth. Only a real garbage human being would wish someone the best but not actually do anything in that specific case to help. There’s no exceptions or explanations. If you have spare time and or money and squander it on frivolities instead of giving it away you’re a real sack of crap.
Waiiiit.... but.... doesn’t that mean... that a HUGE percentage of the developed world are all crap lousy human beings? Why would we need to use “thoughts and prayers” as the metric when we can already see that 1% of the world- such as even the poor in countries like America, Western Europe, Japan, Canada- live to a higher standard than 99% of the world? If 99% of the world can live and survive without all the gadgets and comforts and luxuries we have.... then we could too... and give more to everyone else... but we don’t... so... aren’t we worse than someone who sends “thoughts and prayers?”
Why can’t you sell your car- bike and walk and public transit instead of drive. Wake up earlier. Leave more time in your day to make it work. How can you complain about not having a car when this person or that doesn’t have a place to sleep indoors? Or food? Or clean water? The machine you are writing this on... you could buy water for a village with the money if you sold it! My word. Aren’t we all so selfish?
And here’s the kicker @bethorien- you’re here- in the negative sense doing the same thing as “thoughts and prayers” that people stop saying thoughts and prayers. In what way does discussing this online help any more than “thoughts and prayers” or “raising awareness?” What are you DOING about the issue we are discussing- besides talk- which is the very thing we are supposed to be upset for “thoughts and prayers” people doing? When was your last March against thoughts and prayers- letters to legislature to outlaw?
Contacted Facebook or anyone to try and spearhead the blockage of suck things or make action easier to take by users? Or.... are we on a meme site- that people mostly come to the gawk and have something to do when they are bored? Words are something aren’t they? You cared at least enough about the issue to speak on it no? Thoughts and prayers.
"oh but at least some of them will also do something" isnt an argument.
people go to facebook to have something to gawk at when they are bored. Thats it. They give thoughts and prayers on something and forget about it 10 minutes later when they see their great aunt carla ate a buffalo burger and turned vegan because of it.