Goals. It depends on goals. A healthy and loving relationship with your child is great. Fulfilling. But- as they say here. Parent. Not friend. It is a parents job to give you the skills and knowledge and the best possible foundation to succeed in life at your dreams, be safe, happy, healthy, and secure. If you want to be mad at them for doing their best at that- never talk to them again- that’s a trade most parents who actually care about their kids would gladly make to see you grow up and have a good, happy life; versus having a kid who talks to them but who’s unhappy, in danger, with a mess of a life.
THAT SAID: The thing about kids is they become adults. It doesn’t happen in that 1 minute between 11:59pm and 12:00am on your 18th birthday when you’re legally an adult. You develop into an adult as you go. The skills to be an adult are like playing a sport. If you’re kept in a children’s league with children’s training and children’s rules then suddenly at 12:00am on your 18th they throw you in an adult game- you won’t be ready. You need to work up to it, be given more responsibility and more freedom as you go to get you ready.
If your kid behaves because you watch their every move, you control their behavior and keep them from every mistake- they will likely need to re learn those lessons themselves the hard way- as adults, often on their own, for bigger stakes and when those mistakes will hurt them most. That’s the opposite of being a good parent. You haven’t set them up for success and happiness because without someone watching them and micromanaging them- they never learned to make good decisions on their own. They can’t adapt ridged rules to fit the new situations they face.
Kids who go to college dorms and have never had freedom- we see it in society all the time. Now they make their schedules and they choose their food and they have little or no “parole officer” watching. They tend to eat like garbage and gain weight, stay up late, drink, engage in risky and foolish choices. They make the choices for the first time in life and many of them make bad ones- because they were never taught to make choices only to follow rules that they don’t have to anymore. Not WHY. After a year or so most learn. They cool down and don’t stay out partying until 4am the day of a big test. They learn hangovers suck and that eating garbage makes them look and or feel like garbage. Or they don’t and if they don’t have a passion or drive- they struggle through or drop out until they’ve been beaten by hard lessons enough times to figure out they need to get their shit together. For many they are 30+ by then.
So yeah. Kids aren’t friends. They aren’t adults. You’re a parent. Give them some responsibility. Give them some privacy. Give them some chances to make mistakes and learn. Once they hit 18 it’s their life to live. Teach them and let them figure out what will make that a good life for them. You don’t have to throw cocaine parties because “it’s better with you than with strangers..” but if you talk to them, with them- be honest, teach them good values and treat kids with respect- they will live up to their potential.
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TLDR: The best parenting style sets rules and boundaries without being a dick about it while also teaching children how to be successful adults.
Thanks @lolcats121 <3
Yeah, yikes. Parents must give their kids some degree of privacy. If you're worried about them, you might want to keep a closer eye, but if your kid has given you no reason to distrust their judgement, don't stalk their every move. My poor friend's father does not allow her internet access, tracks her location, her text conversations, when she opens the phone, and what her camera sees. You'd think she was on suicide watch. Her crime? Reading slightly spicy fanfiction. She's 17. No doubt she will have issues- she's far too sheltered, I had to give her "the talk" and I'm younger than her.
“Trust but verify.” Wise words in life. But- if you are going to spy on your kids be good at it. The US government was just about as paranoid as the Soviets in the Cold War- the difference was that the Soviets tipped their hand too far and everyone knew someone was watching. To a degree this can “scare inline” people even if no one is watching. But- No one gets mad about the NSA listening to their calls when they think the NSA isn’t listening.
My sainted mother had one I love to this day. Sharp woman. She knew 99.9% of what I was up to- CIA style. She just let me do it. If she sprung a trap every time I was naughty her game would be up and I’d go deep to cover with my dirt. Instead- let the kid think they can win. When you know they are lying about going to Suzies so they can see Brad at the mall- let them. Malls are public. No trouble there.
Instead of getting furious about their plans to sneak to a party- rope them in last minute to a family night out or something like that. Lie and say you need to run a quick errand and then go hours into overtime. They’ll miss the party and you don’t tip your hat.
It’s checkers not chess. Busting down the door saying “gotcha!” Doesn’t teach kids they can’t outsmart you. It teaches them to be better at hiding things. Instead- show you’re smarter. Be smarter. Work them like any asset. Handle them. Trick them, misinformation, once in awhile take an obvious catch- bust em out for getting sloppy like leaving their movie tickets in their pants in the wash. They’ll think you aren’t totally dumb and it asserts authority- helps reign them in- but doesn’t tip your hand or give them reason to feel violated.
Hell- there’s so much technology today that if you get caught snooping on kids you’re an idiot. They’re gonna look at porn, go to sites you don’t like. Lock their phone and desktop down they’ll find another access point you can’t track. Honey pot. Load a shit app for control on the phone that the kid can bypass. Then load a hidden one that works better. Go to the router and set up logging or put all WiFi traffic through a home server set to capture traffic. They can reformat and whatever else they want all day and there’s no spyware to defeat. If you don’t tell them- they won’t know.
Feeling safe they’ll use the most convenient device- the one you know about and can watch. Better that where you can see than make it too hard for them to “sneak” around and have to deal with them developing trade craft you need to counter. Set up fall sources- so when you do need to bust them or talk to them it’s not out of nowhere. That raises suspicions. They’ll get wise you have eyes on since that’s the only way to know what you know. Have your story straight and remember that the story is the only truth there is. Recollect- don’t recite. That’s a dead tell of a bullshit cover.
My mother made friends everywhere. Every store, every crossing guard, janitors, neighbors, etc. make yourself known as a parent and bring your kid around. You’re so proud of them. Talk about them, be seen with them. These people are your eyes. They’ll come to you when they see your kid. The bag boy at the store will say “Hey Mr./Mrs. X! I saw Timmy yesterday...” Uh oh. Timmy said he was in detention. Time to pull the logs and feeds- or ask Timmy. Someone saw you here timmy? Works. Better to go with “The school called and...”
When you say another kid narc’d your kid can confront and blow your cover. By default they will tend to believe a fellow kid. Game is up. Use people like teachers who kids are already suspicious of. They won’t confront a teacher with “did you tell my mom...” and if they do the teacher won’t likely debate with the kid. It’s clean and doesn’t give up your source.
Giving Lucy a car gives you visibility too. Set it up right and you don’t even need tracking. Lucy WILL use Bluetooth to the car. When she parks you can be updated of the new parked location. Car rattles for you. Throw a tracker in it for insurance purposes. But hey- you can use it for whatever you want.
Play it right and you can flip kids to double agents too. Fiends or others from school. Parents job isn’t to be friends with their kids- but you can be friends with other people’s kids. Give them a ride here or there, a soda or video games, an occasional alibi or whatever else. Then when you need a little info you’ve got a pal to milk. The birdie don’t want to sing? Too bad Bradly. I thought we were friends. The sort of friends who don’t tell your parents you skipped your piano practice to go to the skate park.... what? You’re feeling more talkative Bradley? Look at that. The world is full of wonders.
But there’s more! You can flip a kid instead of flipping yours! Check this pro move: Your little Jane is friends with Nancy and you don’t want that. Ok. Help Nancy do shit her parents don’t approve of. Let it get back to Nancy’s parents. They’ll come down on you and Nancy like a pile of bricks. They’ll forbid Nancy from seeing your kid. They’ll admonish you for countermanding them. YOU aren’t the bad guy trying to keep the kids apart. To the kids gore the cool one who tried to be fun and stupid Nancy’s parents ruined it. Telling teens they can’t is like sayin do it more. So Nancy may still hang with your kid. Now you get to admonish Nancy’s parents. Tell them they were wrong before, and get mad that THEY can’t control their kid because their kid has been hanging out with yours. Boom. They clamp down- you’re the “goodguy” and you got your kid away from the kid you don’t want them to see.
If the other parents tell that you told- say they’re full of shit. Your history of being “on their side” will make the other parents look like liars and keep you clean. But refuse to help more from there. That avoids future trouble for you and is a “teachable moment” where you can tell your kid that you think it’s unfair, you’ve done what you could but you still need to respect the other parents. Tell them you gave your word you were through and you can’t break your word. A good way to teach honor and respect.
You’re only limited by your intelligence and creativity. Maintain control, plausible deniability- keep an exit strategy or a patsy handy. In a pinch remember: Shame and embarrassment. If you get into trouble these things beat lousy denials. Confess when you’re caught but confess to something else. Something shameful or embarrassing to cover. Kid catches you lying about a teacher seeing them out of school? Confess. You lied. You lied because it was you, their aunt- whoever who saw them. Say that you lied because they/you were at a nearby porno shop, off the books gambling with a bookie, AA meeting, booty call- whatever. People don’t usually push when you admit shame. It changes the dialog and it becomes about the person and their problem. You can also use that as an ironic teachable moment about privacy. Done right- your kid will grow up monitored and unaware. Never tell. Perfect capers are ruined when people brag. Just know you did the job and that’s good enough.
I make $75k a year and reside with parents b/c they cant do all construction around house. 12 years ago I made a resolution to keep them alive until my brother's youngest kid was old enough to remember our parents. He up to 4 kids now.
When youngest nephew turns 6 or my father dies, I'm out. Dont care about leaving bitchy mother to die alone; she deserves it.
TLDR: The best parenting style sets rules and boundaries without being a dick about it while also teaching children how to be successful adults.
Thanks @lolcats121 <3
TLDR: Monitor your kids in non-obvious ways so they won't feel the need to be extremely careful hiding their misdeeds.
When youngest nephew turns 6 or my father dies, I'm out. Dont care about leaving bitchy mother to die alone; she deserves it.