Yeah, it took a while for people to accept me just saying no thanks. It helped that, when someone seemed hesitant, tell them it's okay to say no and you don't have give me a reason.
I think this is generally very valid advice. I do what to say that like anything, nuance exists in these things. We don’t generally NEED to explain ourselves to others, and it’s up to us if we want to offer a reason or not- though it should be sincere such as you really do want to attend, and simply cannot due to a conflict of schedule. So we can call these “levels” of information- I can simply say no to an invitation- and you will have no idea why. I can say: “I’m sorry, I’m busy.” I haven’t given you much information, but you have some idea why and why not. Or I could tell you “I wish I could but I have to help my grandma bla blah..” that should be up to you, how much you want to share. People in general can all have a touch of insecurity, and the less we know someone, the more of that there can be. Did they turn down the invite to the party because they don’t like me? They think my parties are boring? They think they’re “too good” for me and my peers? Did they say no to coffee…
.. because they think my kitchen isn’t clean etc? People can have these odd little anxieties and insecurities. Most secure people won’t feel rejected if you turn them down. They’ll understand. They have a life too, responsibilities, commitments. They’ll smile and say “next time,” or something similar so you know there are no hard feelings etc.
people who don’t have a lot going on- sometimes they can’t understand why anyone would turn something down unless they didn’t like that thing or that person etc, or people with anxieties and insecurities may feel rejection when a simple offer is refused. It’s all very specific to situations and relationships and personalities involved.
The key is to own you own power of self and not just hold self respect, but show others to respect you. Wether you give a reason or not is your to you. It shouldn’t be done instinctually out of your own insecurities or feelings you need to justify yourself. If you decide that it would be polite or kind or otherwise help the situation- by all means, give whatever level of information you feel is warranted. Tell them you are busy or have something else going on or tell them the details- just remember not everyone is interested in an explanation either. If you say no, and they ask why or push- that CAN be disrespect, it can be that they feel entitled or are implying that they think you need to justify what reason or more important thing there is to their reject their offer- in such cases you likely should be polite but firm. Of course, it may not be intended as disrespect. It can be genuine curiosity or practical concern- they may be willing to adjust the invitation to suit you if your..
.. objection is on material grounds. Turn down a dinner Saturday at 6? They might be able to move the date or time, change to breakfast, accommodate concerns on dietary restrictions etc. say no to some coffee? If you said no because you don’t want coffee, don’t drink coffee, perhaps tea or water etc? So I wouldn’t automatically take fishing for a reason as an insult- and even pushing, while it often is about them- their self esteem or their wants and needs, sometimes it is simply because they very much want your company or support. That’s it’s own separate and lengthy topic- at some point such behavior is “toxic” and unhealthy- over dependence or co dependence- but if it is occasional or circumstantial such as you are both rarely able to see each other and are close etc- such things are perfectly innocent often times.
So there are nuances to these things, social contracts and relationships to be negotiated. As an example- you have every human right in the world that if the president of your company asks you to come along to gold with them and the executives to look in their eye and say: “no thank you.”
In most cases though- that would be a terrible idea if one values their career. You can view that situation as “having no choice,” but really, you do have a choice, it’s just if you examine the logical course of your options, the best option for you will generally be to say yes. This is where remembering your power is important. You aren’t “forced,” you chose. It wouldn’t be your first choice, but many people also dislike exercise or eating healthy- adults do these things because they choose to do what they know is probably better for them even though they’d rather do something else. So you do have to manage your social relationships and consider others if you want to be able to get by in life…
… successfully, in general- but you also are in control of your choices. You don’t HAVE to choose the “strategic choice” of you really don’t want to. Sometimes that may work out better in the long run- your choices help shape your life and the life you live is in large part formed by the choices you have made.
It’s again- nuanced. Just remember you don’t have an obligation to explain yourself or to say yes. A good way to tell if you are actively loving your life, if you explain yourself because you choose to or say yes to things because you choose to- is if you can understand your choices and honestly say they were made with purpose that served your goals. The outcome may or may not serve your goals, but when you made the choice, we’re you taking the choice that was about what you wanted or taking a choice based only on what you thought was expected or wanted from others?
If you don’t understand why you are saying “yes” or serving others over yourself- there’s good odds you are doing it because you are being a doormat. If you say yes or serve or others over yourself because you think you have to, you think they are worth more than you- good odds you’re beignets doormat. To be clear- we can serve others over ourselves and say yes and be obliging and not be a doormat. It is.. nuanced. lol.
If serving others brings us genuine joy, if we are genuinely happy and content in that service, that’s a choice. Few if anyone serves others all the time and is completely happy and content without ever taking any time or opportunity to make themselves a priority though. We can commit acts of charity or selfless kindness as our moods and circumstances allow. or agree to go watch our nieces school play we have no actual interest in just to make them or their parents happy- we can do those things and not be a doormat as long as when we REALLY don’t want to or can’t do..
.. it- we say no.
So closing bit here- self respect, setting boundaries, saying no- these are practiced arts. Some people are out of practice or never really practiced them. Some people have anxieties or low self esteem etc. You have to start somewhere. You have to get used to saying no or being your own advocate. It’s common and normal for such people to “over do it” a bit, especially starting out. Years or decades of feeling powerless or stepped on and not practicing appropriate boundaries that protect themselves while still managing relationships- sometimes those folks swing hard and wide. It may feel gratifying to finally feel in control, or you may not quite know the how and where and why if setting boundaries and asserting yourself in ways that others will respond well to. It’s also true that people used fo you not asserting yourself will probably be more resistant to the change at first. They may think something is wrong etc.
It’s ok. If you’re one of these people who aren’t super practiced at protecting and advocating for yourself- it’s ok to go a little ham at first. Just get used to saying no and speaking up for your wants and not feeling you need to justify yourself, excuse yourself, validate yourself about just existing. You might step on some social faux pas or rub some folks wrong or even strain a few relationships starting out. It’s ok. Just get used to speaking up for yourself first and once you aren’t reflexively justifying and apologizing and agreeing to everything- then you can work on the nuance. You can decide wether or not you want to dial back a little, soften some edges, how much etc. in the end it is up to you. Make the choices that you think will create the life you want.
Sometimes I have to ask for a favor. I start by saying that I will ask a favor (to prepare you), that you don't have to answer right now, and that it's ok to say no. I know it's hard to say no anyway but I try to set a good framework.
people who don’t have a lot going on- sometimes they can’t understand why anyone would turn something down unless they didn’t like that thing or that person etc, or people with anxieties and insecurities may feel rejection when a simple offer is refused. It’s all very specific to situations and relationships and personalities involved.
In most cases though- that would be a terrible idea if one values their career. You can view that situation as “having no choice,” but really, you do have a choice, it’s just if you examine the logical course of your options, the best option for you will generally be to say yes. This is where remembering your power is important. You aren’t “forced,” you chose. It wouldn’t be your first choice, but many people also dislike exercise or eating healthy- adults do these things because they choose to do what they know is probably better for them even though they’d rather do something else. So you do have to manage your social relationships and consider others if you want to be able to get by in life…
It’s again- nuanced. Just remember you don’t have an obligation to explain yourself or to say yes. A good way to tell if you are actively loving your life, if you explain yourself because you choose to or say yes to things because you choose to- is if you can understand your choices and honestly say they were made with purpose that served your goals. The outcome may or may not serve your goals, but when you made the choice, we’re you taking the choice that was about what you wanted or taking a choice based only on what you thought was expected or wanted from others?
If serving others brings us genuine joy, if we are genuinely happy and content in that service, that’s a choice. Few if anyone serves others all the time and is completely happy and content without ever taking any time or opportunity to make themselves a priority though. We can commit acts of charity or selfless kindness as our moods and circumstances allow. or agree to go watch our nieces school play we have no actual interest in just to make them or their parents happy- we can do those things and not be a doormat as long as when we REALLY don’t want to or can’t do..
So closing bit here- self respect, setting boundaries, saying no- these are practiced arts. Some people are out of practice or never really practiced them. Some people have anxieties or low self esteem etc. You have to start somewhere. You have to get used to saying no or being your own advocate. It’s common and normal for such people to “over do it” a bit, especially starting out. Years or decades of feeling powerless or stepped on and not practicing appropriate boundaries that protect themselves while still managing relationships- sometimes those folks swing hard and wide. It may feel gratifying to finally feel in control, or you may not quite know the how and where and why if setting boundaries and asserting yourself in ways that others will respond well to. It’s also true that people used fo you not asserting yourself will probably be more resistant to the change at first. They may think something is wrong etc.