I can imagine this as a movie.
.
*Lucifer falling from heaven*
*Record scratch + Freeze frame*
Lucifer: "Yep, that's me. I bet you're wondering how I got in this situation. Well it all started way back when."
*Rewind into opening credits*
*cue Satan's backstory*
Lucifer: "I was always a bit of a prankster"
*cut to young Satan setting houses on fire*
God: "Lucifer you little shit!"
.
etc, so on and so forth.
Lucifer didn't even TRY to kill someone. All he did was make a point... that, if you subscribe to all this, we are all fundamentally so fucked up that we aren't really even worth the redemption. WHY would he take the time to kill anyone, it undermines his entire argument.
I climbed a high ass mountain, so I was understandably a litttle winded. I finally saw my brother-in-law and gave a holler, "Oi, Jesus, wanna go hangout?" Don't question my scottish accent.
Jesus sighed dramatically into the wind as his robes fluttered in the wind that was very windy. It was cold. I'm trying to say it's cold. "No," the young god stated.
I scoffed. How could he ever resist me? I'm amazing! "Are you sure?" I waited a few moments with no reply. Trying to ease the awkwardness, I tried again. "Why don't ye show some of dem magic trick ya dad gave ya?"
The wind suddenly blew harder. Jesus-kun's robe flew up and showed his ankles. "No! I-I gotta go, Lucy-chan"
I scratched my tummy as I saw a bush a little bit away from me. "Hey, God!"
I knew before he even spoke that this was gonna be fun. Maybe it was to do with the fact that the Bush was on fire. I idly considered if he would make a decent president one day before I was rudely interupted. "Yo. Where you been, dawg - or snake. Weren't you cursed to crawl on your belly in Genesis?"
Silly God. He always got me mixed up. I think it's because he's so in love that he sees me everywhere. "Nah, mate, that was another snek."
A branch fell from the top and sent a scattering of sparks into the air. That was sick. I was so entranced by the sparks that I missed the beginning of his sentence. But it's fine; it's not like the most powerful figure on the planet has anything important to add. "Ah... So, how are you?"
My was pulled up so I could show off my rockin' calves "I've been jogging recently. I think I've been all over the world! You? You been cursing any more snakes?"
"I've mostly been doing that to people lately. The animals don't do much. But I've noticed that Fig Trees have been pretty irritating. I might have to do something about that one day." There was a few moments of silence while I wondered why he thought I gave a fuck. It's a rhetorical question. Just say you're fucking fine and let me talk. "Neat"
Kami-sama gave me a stare as he felt all over my insides as he listened to the sexy author who was typing this laugh like a maniac. "Anyways, I've been watching my servant: Job. It's pronounced like Jobe for some reason. He's pretty scared and devoted to me. I know everything, but it's nice to just stare. I really like it when he bends over to look at his crops. He wouldn't do anything evil - even if you tried to get him to."
"I'd be pissing my pants if I saw a burning bush following me too. It's a little weird. You might wanna stop that before you burn his house down. He'd probably call you a fucking pervert if you pushed him."
Then God said the most beautiful words to ever exist. "Fucking bet. He wouldn't curse me even if you tried your best. Go ahead and do it!"
I ended up killing most of his family plus I pissed on his face during the night, so he didn't look too pretty. I can't believe I lost those fourty-two pieces of silver though. At least I got to see Job's ass when God made him pick them up from the floor. I literally and figuratively saw what God was talking about.
.
*Lucifer falling from heaven*
*Record scratch + Freeze frame*
Lucifer: "Yep, that's me. I bet you're wondering how I got in this situation. Well it all started way back when."
*Rewind into opening credits*
*cue Satan's backstory*
Lucifer: "I was always a bit of a prankster"
*cut to young Satan setting houses on fire*
God: "Lucifer you little shit!"
.
etc, so on and so forth.
[Book 1]
I climbed a high ass mountain, so I was understandably a litttle winded. I finally saw my brother-in-law and gave a holler, "Oi, Jesus, wanna go hangout?" Don't question my scottish accent.
Jesus sighed dramatically into the wind as his robes fluttered in the wind that was very windy. It was cold. I'm trying to say it's cold. "No," the young god stated.
I scoffed. How could he ever resist me? I'm amazing! "Are you sure?" I waited a few moments with no reply. Trying to ease the awkwardness, I tried again. "Why don't ye show some of dem magic trick ya dad gave ya?"
The wind suddenly blew harder. Jesus-kun's robe flew up and showed his ankles. "No! I-I gotta go, Lucy-chan"
He obviously digged me.
I scratched my tummy as I saw a bush a little bit away from me. "Hey, God!"
I knew before he even spoke that this was gonna be fun. Maybe it was to do with the fact that the Bush was on fire. I idly considered if he would make a decent president one day before I was rudely interupted. "Yo. Where you been, dawg - or snake. Weren't you cursed to crawl on your belly in Genesis?"
Silly God. He always got me mixed up. I think it's because he's so in love that he sees me everywhere. "Nah, mate, that was another snek."
A branch fell from the top and sent a scattering of sparks into the air. That was sick. I was so entranced by the sparks that I missed the beginning of his sentence. But it's fine; it's not like the most powerful figure on the planet has anything important to add. "Ah... So, how are you?"
My was pulled up so I could show off my rockin' calves "I've been jogging recently. I think I've been all over the world! You? You been cursing any more snakes?"
[cont]
Kami-sama gave me a stare as he felt all over my insides as he listened to the sexy author who was typing this laugh like a maniac. "Anyways, I've been watching my servant: Job. It's pronounced like Jobe for some reason. He's pretty scared and devoted to me. I know everything, but it's nice to just stare. I really like it when he bends over to look at his crops. He wouldn't do anything evil - even if you tried to get him to."
"I'd be pissing my pants if I saw a burning bush following me too. It's a little weird. You might wanna stop that before you burn his house down. He'd probably call you a fucking pervert if you pushed him."
[cont]
I ended up killing most of his family plus I pissed on his face during the night, so he didn't look too pretty. I can't believe I lost those fourty-two pieces of silver though. At least I got to see Job's ass when God made him pick them up from the floor. I literally and figuratively saw what God was talking about.
[End of book 2. I'm so proud of this.]
It's really hilarious to see full grown adults think that the Flinstones was a documentary and that humans were best friends with dinosaurs.