In my case it was fear for the welfare of two kids after law enforcement got involved, sitting on a gurney in the emergency room bleeding in fifteen places from various knife cuts and having a whopper of a panic attack while talking to two state police and a social worker. My family standing with me after the truth was out and defending me for the fact I didn't retaliate against the attack and chose to take the abuse to keep two kids from becoming the victims. It's not an easy feat nor is it one that can be done alone or one recovered from in a short time, August makes 8 years I still have nightmares, still have anxiety attacks at the sight of serrated blade knives, still haven't let another woman into my life. Still feel broken.
@mrdad01 I have always wondered what your story was. I remember when you mentioned having several marks from cuts a few months ago. I was scared to ask why. In all, if you‘ve ever doubted you were a good dad, I wnt to let you know that you are a great dad. I wasn‘t “lucky“ to have a dad that would protect me or at least car that I woke up that day.
In my case, my mother was our shield till she died when I was six. Although I was the youngest, I became my siblings‘ shield(even when I didn‘t want that responsibility at first) until we left our dad when I was 15(I still remember how crazy scared I was when I made the decision to leave). I didn‘t want to leave my siblings behind when the option was made available.
One of the things that experience did to me was make me unable to process some emotions...
...Even when my aunt hugs me, I don‘t know how to respond. Kindness knock the words out of my mouth. Sometimes I struggle putting my emotions into words. Due to being threatened a lot during my childhood, I sometimes tend to think of the worst possible dangers that could happen and how to escape.
.
I‘m sure that your desires/dreams will manifest, and you will find the person that you need.
Life is so random sometimes(not sure if that‘s the right word). Sometimes we don‘t expect bad things to happen, but they do. And sometimes you don‘t expect good things to happen, but they do. After storms there always will be a clear sky. I‘m positive your broken pieces will be mended. Have a beautiful day!
@mrdad01 Congratulations for getting out of there! That's not an easy thing to do. It's none of my business but I hope you have a pro you can talk to about this. I've had stuff happen to me in the last couple of years that's left me with anxiety attacks..or so I thought. It turns out that I actually have PTSD. I think you might as well? I'm just throwing it out there because I have now shifted focus from getting through my panic attacks one at a time to making an inventory of my triggers and learning tools to minimize their impact on me. I can tell you what helps me, if you'd like. It'll take effort to get my head straight, and maybe I'll never be 100% there, but at least I can lessen the effects a little at a time and understand what's happening.
I have ptsd as well, mostly certain knives are my main trigger but also certain body-typed women and redheads can also trigger me. I do have a psychiatrist as well as I had a friend from an online support group until he died of brain cancer in 2016 I also lost my other main support that year also. I stay strong for my kid I'm all he has.
You're awesome, @mrdad01. I'm sorry you had so much loss in 2016. I remember Mr. Punch; I was just a lurker back in those days. I hope you have been able to rebuild your support network and that you are happy and living life. You have a strong soul and I'm glad you're sticking it out. Your son is a lucky kid.
,
I'm glad you're plugged in to this community. You know that we'll do whatever we can to back you up. Keep doing what you're doing! :)
@xvarnah@jasonmon
This explains my brother‘s emotion. I‘m able to suppress/deal with mine.
For some reason, when I have so many emotions it leads to me having none.
@aviva, you've been through the ringer and you have developed strong coping skills to survive. When you say you have no emotions, do you mean you're really sad, or angry inside? Or do you really feel nothing?
,
It's okay to retreat to the place where you're numb to everything as long as you can find your way back out when you feel safe. Just don't make a habit of sitting there too long because that can turn in to an unhealthy coping mechanism. Playing around in that head space is how people get chronically depressed. You'll find that, if you're there for too long, you can start to withdrawal and have suicidal thoughts. Instead, talk to people about what sends you there, and figure out ways together to make it so you don't have to be there long.
,
I know the obvious things that send you there, and those are totally justifiable. What I'm clumsily trying to say is please don't retreat to that numb place if you stub your toe or if someone got more candy than you.
@Jasonmon Let me explain: When all the things with my dad happened, I‘d find myself extremely angry hours after. Sometimes I woke up angry with no reason at all. It gave me a headache and it felt like my brain was about to explode. Then weeks later that developed into me waking up extremely sad which is also sometimes accompanied with a feeling of doom(which lasts for several seconds to a minute+). I have always had this strange reaction: When my mom clipped my nails when I was little, I‘d start trembling and feel the urge to pull my hand away(I can‘t really describe it). This is why I couldn‘t really directly hurt myself when I really wanted to(just once with a razor but small enough not to leave a mark. After the sadness streak, it‘s like my brain began to shut out all my emotions. It still happens. When I have so much of a feeling, it ceases and I feel nothing(or more of void)...
I'm not sure if this will be the reaction you're hoping for, but all of that sounds completely normal. Even the nail clipping part doesn't sound too out of the ordinary-- a lot of people, especially kids, experience anxiety over having their nails trimmed by others. Most of what you talk about is common when it comes to trauma and PTSD-- which, given all you've been through, I wouldn't be surprised if you had some form of PTSD.
'
Additionally, anger is far from something out of the ordinary. Especially in situations where someone feels extremely trapped or violated. It actually can also be a way anxiety manifests itself, also. Which is why a lot of the same coping strategies are often employed (I can list them again, though I think you've seen them before)
'
Withdrawal and introversion could be your natural build, but it could also be argued that it might be a result of, again, people often mistreating you, and, even more, people not listening to or believing you.
Admittedly I'm not a psychologist, but I would almost guarantee that has some impact on the way you feel comfortable interacting with people.
'
There are possible ways to get help on a professional level for what you're going through, but I really wanted to stress it shouldn't make you feel like a freak or alone at all.
'
A lot of soldiers or abuse victims experience very similar things-- which is also why a lot of them end up getting support animals.
'
My point is emotional shutdown is actually very normal and most likely a survival technique. There are actual theories about it being no different than the physical reactions of "fight, flight, or freeze." Emotions seem very abstract sometimes, but don't forget they all stem from a physical place, and manifest in physical ways.
'
Sorry, I know I sound like a textbook right now
Luckily jasonmon is so good at the emotional stuff or it would probably be like trying to have a conversation with siri -_-
'
Incidentally-- the desire for self harm is also often found to come from the same place: a person trapped in a situation where they feel they have no control and can't get out. And it's not unusual for people who self harm to be in the state of emotional withdrawal you describe.
'
There's a song by an artist named Plumb. Now the little I know of her story I believe she was sexually abused when she was younger.
I'm going to reference a song of hers knowing you're mature enough to understand I'm not endorsing self-harm or trying to give you ideas. It should be noted Plumb has since gotten help iirc and no longer does this.
'
That in mind, she has a song called "Cut." Some of the lines from it:
"Not a stranger, No, I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore"
'
"I may seem crazy, Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die"
'
"I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb"
'
There are several songs that describe similar experiences and sensations, and My point with all of this is, again: most of what you've described seems like very normal reactions. Even if your family doesn't understand, there are a LOT of people (far too many) who do
'
All that aside, I am so very glad that your attempt at self harm did not work, and that you are past it now
@aviva Thank you for pinging this thread. I had it open in a tab so I'd respond but then I lost all my tabs :/
,
I agree with @xvarnah. What you've been through would lead you to develop coping mechanisms like shutting down and being numb. Those got you through hard times and they're great for now. Later they might be considered "maladaptive," meaning that you can find other, more appropriate ways to address your stress.
,
Is it an option for you to talk to a therapist? Some people use them like trusted friends and confidants. Personally, I think of them as professionals who know how human wiring can go wrong and how to fix it. I bring in a notepad and scribble notes as they suggest things to me. Then I try out all of them. I keep doing the things that work and toss the things that don't. If you can't see someone, there's probably an online option if you'd be interested.
To be clear, I don't think you're crazy or in desperate need of professional help. I just think someone should hear what you have to say and give you input about how people deal with it.
,
It helps me to think that, no matter how crazy my life gets (and you know it can be 10/10), that someone out there has studied people's reactions to something similar. That person has logged all the healthy and unhealthy reactions that could happen and then published it. From that point, therapists everywhere can tap in to that expertise and know how to guide idiots like me through these hard times so I come out okay. The same goes for you. This type is stuff is why it's so great to be a human. Generations of us have accumulated lifetimes of knowledge just to help each other out when one of us needs it. :) I feel a little like I'm rambling. Does what I'm saying make sense?
Jasonmon definitely said it better. And that was the point I was attempting to make as well: you're not crazy for what's happening to you.
'
So often we get caught up in the complexity and uniqueness of our own identify and behaviours and sometimes it's easy to forget that, as amazing and different as we all are, we are still all, at our cores, the same. We're all made from the same building blocks. And so, no matter what you're going through, try to keep in mind that there is a 99.9999999% chance someone else (probably several someone's) has gone through it as well.
'
Sometimes it means something is wrong with the hardwiring in our brains. In your case I think it just means there's a few circuits malfunctioning due to people constantly stomping on them. It's not a flaw, it's not your fault, and there are things that can help-- particularly talking to people who actually SUPPORT you.
@xvarnah Phew! I was afraid that it was something much much worse. Is it weird that I sometimes feel an intense discomfort in my stomach sometimes when I cut my nails now? I don‘t think I‘m an introvert though, I guess I don‘t just have a great friend(s) I enjoy being around with at the moment. Ok. My phone has sorta become my “support animal.“ I don‘t only experience a loss of emotion. There are emotions that generally feel foreign to me, like I can‘t really process hugs, or pecks on the cheek, or handshakes. Did I also mention that I find kisses generally strange(not in a scary way, but in a “what the hell is that!?“ kind of way). You don‘t sound like a textbook to m. I love some songs Plumb sang. I never knew she went through that. And I guess my will to live was much more stronger.
@jasonmon Oh, I had no idea. I had to look through my notifications to find it. I don‘t know yet if I will be allowed to see a therapist, I would have to speak with my uncle about it and see what he says. You‘re right and that makes absolute sense.
@xvarnah I could tell that‘s what you were trying to say haha. Thank you ^·^ And I‘ll check out the link.
@aviva my notifications are acting up a bit it seems. And that doesn't sound weird. If it's something that gave you intense anxiety as a child, and that was never really dealt with, it makes sense it would stay with you. Since me and Jason are playing unofficial diagnosers, I'll ask is there any kind of thoughts you're thinking when you clip your nails? It would always be best to actually talk to a professional, but knowing you probably Don't have access to one right now we could potentially try and see if we can find any ways to help you cope with it. Not that most of it would be much different than pbachman, but if this is something bothering you and causing you such intense physical symptoms it might be worth it to try. Entirely up to you, however, I'm not trying to pressure you
'
Well you may not be. Introversion isn't defined by DISLIKING people. It often manifests by preferring small gatherings with a select few people. Spending too much time with people can become draining. Things like that (sorry I'm tired so I'm not getting into as much detail as I could).
Yours may simply be a more environmental introversion where you've been surrounded by such unpleasant people you'd just rather be away from them, but if left to your own devices you might be the sort to seek huge crowds and such
'
When you say emotions feel foreign to you do you mean you can't identify emotions you're experiencing, or you're not sure why you're experiencing these emotions in reaction to affection? Or something else entirely?
'
She has a very beautiful voice. I don't know a lot of her songs, but there's a few. Damaged is one she wrote directed at her assailant, I believe.
'
People process in different ways haha. Self harm is not always a sign someone wants to kill themselves
'
Your will to live is definitely impressive regardless :)
@aviva Have you ever taken a personality test? You can get some interesting insights about who you are and what makes you tick, if you do. For example, introversion means you recharge by unplugging from other people and extroversion means you recharge by plugging in. You can take a super quick test here (without having to register or give out any info) :
,
https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test.
,
My guess is you are ENFP but I could be completely wrong.
,
@xvarnah, you're INFP, right? And I am INTJ. It's just kinda fun to see how someone processes the world around them.
,
The best part is looking up memes afterward. INTJ memes crack me up because they completely call me out. (Like this... "INTJ: I'll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.")
I am indeed a turbulent mediator according to that test. Some parts of it it's like "yeah, that's pretty accurate" and others I'm like "I'm not sure that fits me" but overall it seems right haha.
I did find this person's commentary definitely meets a lot of things I've experienced though (don't feel obligated to read):
https://introvertdear.com/news/infp-quirks/
'
What is the INTJ personality?
'
I didn't even know personality type memes were a thing until someone started posting them a few weeks ago haha
INTJ is the "architect." They have lots of ambition and logic. They're level-headed in any situation and they are emotionally clueless. It fits me pretty well, actually. Most of my friends are the same type or INFP/ENFP.
,
This is an older test, but it's still a pretty accurate quick gauge of someone's core drive and values.
That does sound pretty well like you haha. Except maybe the emotionally clueless part. You don't seem emotionally clueless
'
Yeah, I mean you have to take all these tests with a grain of salt, but they can still point you in the right direction at least haha
@xvarnah I don‘t usually have any thoughts when I clip my nails. I just panic randomly even if I didn‘t focused on it. And about introversion, understood :) I guess mine‘s enviromental.
And yes, I can‘t identify some of my emotions.
The first song I listened to by plumb was “Don‘t deserve you.“
I‘m not saying that self harm means a person wants to die. In my case, I wanted to die(that why I said I couldn‘t carry on with harming myself because I‘ll panic[like the feeling I get when I clip my nails] and stop last minute).
@Jasonmon I took the test. My results were ENTJ-A “The Commander“
That makes so much sense for your personality type! It's the way you had the strength to grab your elder brothers and get everyone out of your situation. Interestingly, ENTJs are not super in touch with their feelings. You can learn it but it'll take time and effort.
Good question! I have the same personality type as you, except I'm introverted. I am just now learning how to tap in to what I'm feeling like a "normal" person.
,
Step one is mindfulness, which you can get through practicing meditation. Get an app like Calm and mediate once a day. It puts you more in touch with what's going on in your mind.
,
Step two is good communication. You definitely have deep, powerful feelings that are positive and negative. To learn how to let people understand what those feelings are, you need to learn to figure out what you're feeling (from step one), then learn how you put those feelings in to words. I have a print-out of all the feelings. I read through the whole list and identify four or five that make sense for each situation I want to talk about.
,
Step 3 is actually talking to the person you need to, and letting them know what's bothering you or what they're doing that makes you feel happy.
,
I am cutting a lot out of this. Those are the broad strokes
@Jasonmon I noticed that too. How are you learning to?
.
I don‘t know if I can meditate. My mind is usually so distracting.
.
Now I understand why you‘re really good at discussing emotional stuff. The problem is that I can‘t identify some of my emotions.
.
I have a very limited number of people in my life to talk to.
.
I don‘t mind hearing the uncut side of it.
Tbh, @Aviva it almost sounds to me like you might have a minor type of a condition that's not uncommon for people who have been through trauma. Given I don't actually know much about it, however, I'm hesitant to just throw words that sound like a diagnosis around-- there's not even any way I could diagnose it to begin with. But either way, struggling to identify emotions and sometimes having a reaction to contact that seems a bit odd when you look back on it isn't abnormal, particularly for people who dealt with abusive situations.
'
I could be wrong about this part, but a video I saw of a dog comes to mind. The dog had been so abused in the past that anytime anyone came near it or tried to touch it it would scream, no matter how gentle they touched it, because it didn't know how to process that the intent was not unkind. It was basically constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it took months and months of contact before it began to actually calm enough to not expect
Something bad to be just around the corner.
'
I'm not trying to take everything you say and be like "your entire personality comes from abuse," I'm just speculating on a few of the things you brought up that seem to concern you.
'
For the nails there's a few things you could try, but I'd suggest maybe the next time you attempt to do it, 1) make sure you're somewhere you feel comfortable. I would have yourself facing some sort of calming visual. Put in some headphones and try putting on some song-- the catchier to you the better. Or a video. Kittens is always good. Whatever you find calming. Alternatively you could try doing it when you're having a messaging session with someone who is responding quickly-- maybe grim. You don't have to TELL them you're clipping your nails, mind you, but it will give you something else to focus on. You could also attempt filing your nails instead of clipping, but I'm not sure if that would be better for you or not
@xvarnah Ok. True, and I saw the video of the doggo some months back. It‘s so sad it went through that. Also, I‘ll try listening to music when I do it next. Grim? Sometimes when I file my nails, I overthink if they don‘t look perfect enough lol. (Also, I believe Jason loves when we “gossip“ haha).
Grim = grimreaper. I just suggested him because he's literally the only person I know you might be able to IM or such haha. But anyway, there's other possible things you can do but this seemed like a good place to start.
'
Wait-- who were we gossiping about haha? I feel like if I'm going to be gossiping I should at least be aware of it
Oh lol. Well I wasn't really talking about grim. It could have been just about anyone haha, but grim was the only Name I know who you might have contact with to that degree so I just went with that. It could just as easily be shikiharizard if you're both just talking on here and replying at a fast pace or such
In my case, my mother was our shield till she died when I was six. Although I was the youngest, I became my siblings‘ shield(even when I didn‘t want that responsibility at first) until we left our dad when I was 15(I still remember how crazy scared I was when I made the decision to leave). I didn‘t want to leave my siblings behind when the option was made available.
One of the things that experience did to me was make me unable to process some emotions...
.
I‘m sure that your desires/dreams will manifest, and you will find the person that you need.
Life is so random sometimes(not sure if that‘s the right word). Sometimes we don‘t expect bad things to happen, but they do. And sometimes you don‘t expect good things to happen, but they do. After storms there always will be a clear sky. I‘m positive your broken pieces will be mended. Have a beautiful day!
,
I'm glad you're plugged in to this community. You know that we'll do whatever we can to back you up. Keep doing what you're doing! :)
This explains my brother‘s emotion. I‘m able to suppress/deal with mine.
For some reason, when I have so many emotions it leads to me having none.
,
It's okay to retreat to the place where you're numb to everything as long as you can find your way back out when you feel safe. Just don't make a habit of sitting there too long because that can turn in to an unhealthy coping mechanism. Playing around in that head space is how people get chronically depressed. You'll find that, if you're there for too long, you can start to withdrawal and have suicidal thoughts. Instead, talk to people about what sends you there, and figure out ways together to make it so you don't have to be there long.
,
I know the obvious things that send you there, and those are totally justifiable. What I'm clumsily trying to say is please don't retreat to that numb place if you stub your toe or if someone got more candy than you.
.
I mostly like being on my own but I do interact a lot. I can‘t really explain my emotions, mostly because no one seems to understand it.
Please you are not obligated to respond if you don‘t want to.
'
Additionally, anger is far from something out of the ordinary. Especially in situations where someone feels extremely trapped or violated. It actually can also be a way anxiety manifests itself, also. Which is why a lot of the same coping strategies are often employed (I can list them again, though I think you've seen them before)
'
Withdrawal and introversion could be your natural build, but it could also be argued that it might be a result of, again, people often mistreating you, and, even more, people not listening to or believing you.
'
There are possible ways to get help on a professional level for what you're going through, but I really wanted to stress it shouldn't make you feel like a freak or alone at all.
'
A lot of soldiers or abuse victims experience very similar things-- which is also why a lot of them end up getting support animals.
'
My point is emotional shutdown is actually very normal and most likely a survival technique. There are actual theories about it being no different than the physical reactions of "fight, flight, or freeze." Emotions seem very abstract sometimes, but don't forget they all stem from a physical place, and manifest in physical ways.
'
Sorry, I know I sound like a textbook right now
'
Incidentally-- the desire for self harm is also often found to come from the same place: a person trapped in a situation where they feel they have no control and can't get out. And it's not unusual for people who self harm to be in the state of emotional withdrawal you describe.
'
There's a song by an artist named Plumb. Now the little I know of her story I believe she was sexually abused when she was younger.
I'm going to reference a song of hers knowing you're mature enough to understand I'm not endorsing self-harm or trying to give you ideas. It should be noted Plumb has since gotten help iirc and no longer does this.
'
That in mind, she has a song called "Cut." Some of the lines from it:
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore"
'
"I may seem crazy, Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die"
'
"I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb"
'
There are several songs that describe similar experiences and sensations, and My point with all of this is, again: most of what you've described seems like very normal reactions. Even if your family doesn't understand, there are a LOT of people (far too many) who do
'
All that aside, I am so very glad that your attempt at self harm did not work, and that you are past it now
,
I agree with @xvarnah. What you've been through would lead you to develop coping mechanisms like shutting down and being numb. Those got you through hard times and they're great for now. Later they might be considered "maladaptive," meaning that you can find other, more appropriate ways to address your stress.
,
Is it an option for you to talk to a therapist? Some people use them like trusted friends and confidants. Personally, I think of them as professionals who know how human wiring can go wrong and how to fix it. I bring in a notepad and scribble notes as they suggest things to me. Then I try out all of them. I keep doing the things that work and toss the things that don't. If you can't see someone, there's probably an online option if you'd be interested.
,
It helps me to think that, no matter how crazy my life gets (and you know it can be 10/10), that someone out there has studied people's reactions to something similar. That person has logged all the healthy and unhealthy reactions that could happen and then published it. From that point, therapists everywhere can tap in to that expertise and know how to guide idiots like me through these hard times so I come out okay. The same goes for you. This type is stuff is why it's so great to be a human. Generations of us have accumulated lifetimes of knowledge just to help each other out when one of us needs it. :) I feel a little like I'm rambling. Does what I'm saying make sense?
'
So often we get caught up in the complexity and uniqueness of our own identify and behaviours and sometimes it's easy to forget that, as amazing and different as we all are, we are still all, at our cores, the same. We're all made from the same building blocks. And so, no matter what you're going through, try to keep in mind that there is a 99.9999999% chance someone else (probably several someone's) has gone through it as well.
'
Sometimes it means something is wrong with the hardwiring in our brains. In your case I think it just means there's a few circuits malfunctioning due to people constantly stomping on them. It's not a flaw, it's not your fault, and there are things that can help-- particularly talking to people who actually SUPPORT you.
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/general/what-is-emotional-detachment-disorder/
@xvarnah I could tell that‘s what you were trying to say haha. Thank you ^·^ And I‘ll check out the link.
'
'
When you say emotions feel foreign to you do you mean you can't identify emotions you're experiencing, or you're not sure why you're experiencing these emotions in reaction to affection? Or something else entirely?
'
She has a very beautiful voice. I don't know a lot of her songs, but there's a few. Damaged is one she wrote directed at her assailant, I believe.
'
People process in different ways haha. Self harm is not always a sign someone wants to kill themselves
'
Your will to live is definitely impressive regardless :)
,
https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test.
,
My guess is you are ENFP but I could be completely wrong.
,
@xvarnah, you're INFP, right? And I am INTJ. It's just kinda fun to see how someone processes the world around them.
,
The best part is looking up memes afterward. INTJ memes crack me up because they completely call me out. (Like this... "INTJ: I'll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.")
I did find this person's commentary definitely meets a lot of things I've experienced though (don't feel obligated to read):
https://introvertdear.com/news/infp-quirks/
'
What is the INTJ personality?
'
I didn't even know personality type memes were a thing until someone started posting them a few weeks ago haha
,
This is an older test, but it's still a pretty accurate quick gauge of someone's core drive and values.
'
Yeah, I mean you have to take all these tests with a grain of salt, but they can still point you in the right direction at least haha
And yes, I can‘t identify some of my emotions.
The first song I listened to by plumb was “Don‘t deserve you.“
I‘m not saying that self harm means a person wants to die. In my case, I wanted to die(that why I said I couldn‘t carry on with harming myself because I‘ll panic[like the feeling I get when I clip my nails] and stop last minute).
@Jasonmon I took the test. My results were ENTJ-A “The Commander“
,
Step one is mindfulness, which you can get through practicing meditation. Get an app like Calm and mediate once a day. It puts you more in touch with what's going on in your mind.
,
Step two is good communication. You definitely have deep, powerful feelings that are positive and negative. To learn how to let people understand what those feelings are, you need to learn to figure out what you're feeling (from step one), then learn how you put those feelings in to words. I have a print-out of all the feelings. I read through the whole list and identify four or five that make sense for each situation I want to talk about.
,
Step 3 is actually talking to the person you need to, and letting them know what's bothering you or what they're doing that makes you feel happy.
,
I am cutting a lot out of this. Those are the broad strokes
.
I don‘t know if I can meditate. My mind is usually so distracting.
.
Now I understand why you‘re really good at discussing emotional stuff. The problem is that I can‘t identify some of my emotions.
.
I have a very limited number of people in my life to talk to.
.
I don‘t mind hearing the uncut side of it.
'
I could be wrong about this part, but a video I saw of a dog comes to mind. The dog had been so abused in the past that anytime anyone came near it or tried to touch it it would scream, no matter how gentle they touched it, because it didn't know how to process that the intent was not unkind. It was basically constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it took months and months of contact before it began to actually calm enough to not expect
'
I'm not trying to take everything you say and be like "your entire personality comes from abuse," I'm just speculating on a few of the things you brought up that seem to concern you.
'
For the nails there's a few things you could try, but I'd suggest maybe the next time you attempt to do it, 1) make sure you're somewhere you feel comfortable. I would have yourself facing some sort of calming visual. Put in some headphones and try putting on some song-- the catchier to you the better. Or a video. Kittens is always good. Whatever you find calming. Alternatively you could try doing it when you're having a messaging session with someone who is responding quickly-- maybe grim. You don't have to TELL them you're clipping your nails, mind you, but it will give you something else to focus on. You could also attempt filing your nails instead of clipping, but I'm not sure if that would be better for you or not
'
Wait-- who were we gossiping about haha? I feel like if I'm going to be gossiping I should at least be aware of it
.
And I thought it was grim