I like traditional masculinity. I love that society expects me to rise to the occasion.
But I also love when my knuckles and feet are bleeding. I like bad odds and high stakes. That pressure that builds in my mind and my heart when I'm about to be pushed to and beyond a limit, it's intoxicating.
I'm also willing to admit that it may not be healthy, and that I'm not the norm. I don't want to hold it against any man who doesn't like the the pressure, or at least live with it, but I just can't help it. I see a guy who can't keep with the pressure and I don't see an otherwise upstanding guy, I just see someone I can't count on.
I think the problem comes in when we define a norm and expect all people to abide/exemplify those norms. There’s nothing wrong with a person who is comfortable behaving in a way consistent with the norms, but it isn’t wrong to be different. I think that’s where it becomes a problem.
I like being the "manly" one. I like being the one that's cool, calm, and collected even as things get crazy.
But sometimes I just want to be the little spoon...
What if you are not those things? What if you are a man with a small frame and not the least bit muscular? What if you are very successful at being a stay at home dad? What if you do work that you love but aren’t financially secure?
These things are all acceptable for women (who have different pressures, that I’ll leave for a different post) but not for men.
There are distinctions but people like to see everything in black in white- and so too do they project interpretations of things as such. Setting an expectation to be physically and mentally fit, financially secure, etc- those are at their core good expectations- basic ones all humans should likely aspire to. It’s like saying you expect people to bathe and clean their butt after they #2, then asking “what about people who leave shit on their ass and never shower?”
Expecting a man to be financially self sufficient and stable isn’t the same thing as expecting him to be rich- but we pervert it to mean that. A used and reliable Toyota and a small apartment, some debt that’s under control- these are all ok. Expecting a person to be healthy is perverted to being genetically gifted and being in top shape when it can just mean eating relatively well and maybe running, biking, or walking or light gym work. Expecting a man to be mentally strong has been twisted to mean a man who never feels, or only feels a certain range and intensity of emotions and expresses them in a narrow band of ways.
But it is a valid point that not everyone will be financially stable or healthy etc, and often not of their own fault. The other important factor that involves social change is one where we recognize the journey. That it isn’t the RESULT that defines a “man” or an ideal but the process through which results are achieved. A man who isn’t financially stable but is working hard to try and become so is more virtuous as a “man” than one who was born to wealth and doesn’t work hardly at all because their money makes more money for them. A man who has a condition, responsibility, or genes that won’t let him look like a pro athlete but is healthy for who he is- that’s more virtuous than a man who magically looks buff all the time.
It’s about the effort. The effort a human being puts into being the best version of themselves or the most positive force on the world. How seriously they take their commitments and responsibilities and the care of those who rely on them based on what they are capable of. We can’t really say that the man who gets off his 12 hour shift to run for 15 minutes isn’t trying as hard to be healthy as the man with no job who works out 4 hours every day- even if the later man will likely show his effort more. Being a “man” is just that at its core. Not where you are in life or what you have, it’s about who you want to be and what you are doing to reach that. You never actually have to reach your goals- just set them high and honestly try.
You don’t have to feel bad that you aren’t where you want to be, instead of looking at how far a person has to go we need to look at how far they’ve come and how hard they’re trying to keep moving. That’s the goal of these expectations- not to meet an arbitrary standard but to do the best you can in those areas for what you’ve got to work with, and to truly be a man or self realized human is to have priorities and put those first- so maybe you could be healthier if you made less money or make more of you weren’t in as good shape- but you spend more time on the thing that matters more to you. Not everyone will be everything.
We look at the top 1% of those culmination’s of luck and genetics and talent and measure people up to that. Media, social and otherwise has many people thinking that these things are attainable to anyone. That everyone should have them all or they just aren’t trying- that anyone who isn’t doing as well as we are isn’t trying. But different people take different efforts and may not ever get the same results. So to those people who can’t be in the 1% in life- that’s ok. We need to not judge people based on who others are but on who they are. That’s the distinction. If you set low expectations, you tend to reach them and stop. Set the expectations high and understand time wasn’t built in a day- and not all cities are done but there are still fine cities that aren’t.
Everyone has problems. It’s not a contest. What will break one person is just a mild inconvenience for another and vice versa. We need to acknowledge people’s challenges and struggles, but not try to compare them. Instead when they speak on them we need to listen and try to do what we can to take load off of them, or allow them to feel their struggles are noticed and respected.
I'm glad that there is diversity of thought on this site
But I definitely agree that "being a man" is far more complicated than "eat steak and be awesome"
But I also love when my knuckles and feet are bleeding. I like bad odds and high stakes. That pressure that builds in my mind and my heart when I'm about to be pushed to and beyond a limit, it's intoxicating.
I'm also willing to admit that it may not be healthy, and that I'm not the norm. I don't want to hold it against any man who doesn't like the the pressure, or at least live with it, but I just can't help it. I see a guy who can't keep with the pressure and I don't see an otherwise upstanding guy, I just see someone I can't count on.
Can you blame me?
But sometimes I just want to be the little spoon...
These things are all acceptable for women (who have different pressures, that I’ll leave for a different post) but not for men.