There's a reason why the person who starts name calling or getting angry is the one who loses the argument. People only get angry when they've been cornered.
Of course, there are exceptions to this. I don't exactly remain calm when someone is trying to tell me that child rape is okay, but that's a different type of anger. More incredulous and frustrated than the instant loss of "ermagawd im NAWT RONG"
Nothing about that was blaming the victim. Instead it's advice for dealing with whatever the situation is instead of letting the situation deal with you. You can still get upset, offended, or pissed off you just shouldn't allow that to dictate how you respond.
not blaming the victim just stating facts. Statistically victims of domestic abuse that act emotionally tend to either
1. Find themselves unable to make themselves leave for loving the person too much to abandon them even tho they are being abused
2. Act out and get themselves abused harder in recompense for their attempt at changing things resulting in a return to a lack of will to try to escape restarting a constant cycle of this or
3. make a hasty unplanned escape attempt with enough flaws to get caught and locked down resulting in the aforementioned lack of will to try to escape.
Victims of domestic abuse that actually escape from the abuse tend to be the ones that were able to think logically about the situation dispute the mind numbing abusing they endured or were given assistance properly by someone who actually knew what they were doing and didn't just elicit a snap emotional reaction from the victim.
I don't know what went through my mom's mind for ten years. She had a car. She had a job. She had family members constantly saying she could stay with them if she just left. But she just stayed with the person who I still have nightmares about and have panic attacks if I think I see him or I hear a semi-truck deflate. I still hear his footsteps when I try to go to sleep.
I don't know why she stayed. I'm sure she had some reason. I don't think it was a good one though. I don't really have anything to add on this topic because it's one of the few that I can't bring myself to research for too long. I know towards the end she actually had no way of leaving as she had no phone, he took the spark plugs from her car, and no job because of that. I have a lot of resentment towards my mother for it anyways.
Sorry to hear that spiderwoman, the reasons for people not leaving are so hard to understand yet so common in these situations. I have worked with victims of domestic abuse in the community and in refuge and its heart breaking when you put in so much work and they still go back.
Bethorien I don't know if you have gotten that information from lived experience or not, but I have met many vulnerable people (men and woman) who were beaten into subservience, who wouldn't speak out to their partner, who would sometimes not be allowed to speak to them at all without permission. To state that those who acted emotionally find themselves unable to leave is unfair. For many, their whole life has been taken over by another person. Financially
, psychologically, emotionally, physically, socially. They become entrapped and isolated before realising what is happening, then it becomes too late to simply get up and leave. The highest percentage of DV related murders happen when the victim tries to
It's not unfair its categorically correct. Statistics are what they are. peoples feelings about the subject make no difference and the state of fairness of the situation in which causes the statistics to be how they are does not affect the data. When a victim of abuse is unable to function in a logical state and defaults to emotional responses to the situation they are extremely more likely to stay stuck in the situation. When a victim of abuse is somehow able to function in a logical state and push away emotional responses they are exceptionally more likely to escape the abuse. Abused individuals that have children are more likely to respond emotionally usually in a rash way resulting in harsher abuse and worsening conditions for the child or children that they were acting on the interests of.
This generalized type of advice isn't really helpful. There are times when getting angry, even screaming is the appropriate response to a situation. I've been in situations were remaining calm was viewed as weakness and made the situation much worse.
Of course, there are exceptions to this. I don't exactly remain calm when someone is trying to tell me that child rape is okay, but that's a different type of anger. More incredulous and frustrated than the instant loss of "ermagawd im NAWT RONG"
1. Find themselves unable to make themselves leave for loving the person too much to abandon them even tho they are being abused
2. Act out and get themselves abused harder in recompense for their attempt at changing things resulting in a return to a lack of will to try to escape restarting a constant cycle of this or
3. make a hasty unplanned escape attempt with enough flaws to get caught and locked down resulting in the aforementioned lack of will to try to escape.
Victims of domestic abuse that actually escape from the abuse tend to be the ones that were able to think logically about the situation dispute the mind numbing abusing they endured or were given assistance properly by someone who actually knew what they were doing and didn't just elicit a snap emotional reaction from the victim.
I don't know why she stayed. I'm sure she had some reason. I don't think it was a good one though. I don't really have anything to add on this topic because it's one of the few that I can't bring myself to research for too long. I know towards the end she actually had no way of leaving as she had no phone, he took the spark plugs from her car, and no job because of that. I have a lot of resentment towards my mother for it anyways.
Bethorien I don't know if you have gotten that information from lived experience or not, but I have met many vulnerable people (men and woman) who were beaten into subservience, who wouldn't speak out to their partner, who would sometimes not be allowed to speak to them at all without permission. To state that those who acted emotionally find themselves unable to leave is unfair. For many, their whole life has been taken over by another person. Financially
, psychologically, emotionally, physically, socially. They become entrapped and isolated before realising what is happening, then it becomes too late to simply get up and leave. The highest percentage of DV related murders happen when the victim tries to