Or we are confusing “nice” and “good.” The old man that takes train tickets at the local station is nice, but he’s not getting in my knickers. Just being “nice” or having your most notable feature being how “nice” you are- the thing that people think of when they think of you. Not- interesting, great, amazing, just “nice” is one dimensional. Few people- including probably you- would be happy just dating someone who was only one of “pretty/handsome,” “generous,” “kind” “funny” etc. ypu likely want a partner who is at least a few of those traits. Most people seek a partner who they believe will take care of their needs, they want to be valued above others and “nice” people tend to value everyone except themselves. You must show you can be the one person who provides all they need if you’re to be their one BF/GF, and if you don’t seem to value yourself, why would you expect others to place value in you who know you less well? Be a complete person. You can still be nice, just be more too
Beautifully said.
Though I think you're giving the self-proclaimed "nice guys" too much credit. Most of them (well, the ones who go around saying how nice they are anyway – genuinely nice people usually don't brag like that) are nice only until they find out the girl they're interested in is taken or just not interested in them. Then their mask usually slips off and the girl realizes she actually dodged a b̶u̶l̶l̶e̶t̶ nuke.
Lol. I would agree to a point. I can’t say how many “nice” guys really are “nice.” I can say a lot are co dependent, which can make a person seem nice until they are deprived of the validation they need or feel risk of it. That’s where the unhealthy and under developed emotional state comes out. Many aren’t nice but are manipulators. It’s actually a type of sales technique callled “building obligation.” Most people, even if they didn’t ask for something, will feel some debt or obligation because you gave it to them, even if that thing is just time. (Well... I wasn’t gonna buy it.. but I’d feel like a jerk after they spent all this time talking to me if I didn’t buy something.. etc.) Those “nice” people try to open a “backdoor” to affection by ingratiating themselves to people they then expect to “pay them back,” and get upset when they don’t (picture the salesman who gets aggressive or throws a tantrum when a customer doesn’t buy from them. “After all that? I’m really going out of...
... my way to help you here. Why did you waste my time...? Etc.) To be honest- while it doesn’t justify or excuse their behavior it is often not their fault. They often come from backgrounds where that was how things were. If you grow up around manipulators, unhealthy emotional communication is what you know. It’s your “normal” and how you see things done. Without a healthy frame of reference or experience you literally don’t know better, and more often than not it’s a subconcious behavior. It’s no ones job to suffer through to teach them how to have a healthy relationship, but we can as a society deal with people like that in a teachable way, to help them realize what they are doing, that it is unhealthy, and that they can learn better ways. Often, people get stuck in patterns of behavior and can’t recognize what they are doing wrong, only that people seek to react negatively to them. It make them feel “toxic” and that toxic self image leads to more unhealthy behavior that anyone...
... who deals with them must then deal with, or sometimes with other factors leads them to unhealthy or violent outbursts which involve people who had nothing to do with them. It’s a catch 22- they lack social skills and so make people not want to deal with them, that then isolated them further and creates a cycle where they feel more and more rejected and frustrated. Pressure builds up and they stop seeing individual interactions and start making generalities where every woman is part of some conspiracy to make them miserable. They see women not as humans but as an object that causes negative feelings to them- but they also want. Breaking that negativity is largely on them, but a firm yet gentle hand and a little compassion for those pitiable souls can help them want to help themselves- and everyone wins. They can become better people, even great partners, after they’ve faced their demons.
Indeed. I think a part of that may also come from them being raised not always by manipulators, but sometimes by parents who, though they mean well, teach these kids that doing something will always get them a reward. I'm not one of those "damn kids and their participation trophies" people, because it's not like they're doing nothing, they're doing something – being nice, but they expect a reward for it. They expect a woman to be interested in them for being nice because that's how action-reward works, and they get frustrated when they find out attraction doesn't work that way. But your point about manipulative family background is very true too, and really even though it results in the same behavior, there are a million and one reasons why each one of them acts the way they do.
I recommend a video by ContraPoints titled "Incels", it's very insightful in this respect and covers toxic behaviors not just among these people but on the internet as a whole.
I agree with you, it can be quite diverse. And thank you. I’ll check that out as soon as I eat the chance, hopefully around noon and if not after work.
Bottom line: If you (think) you have to make the declaration and describe yourself as a "Nice Guy," you absolutely are NOT one.
You are actually a boychild with little to no clue as to how the real world and social interaction works coupled with a head full of fantasy and a tenuous grasp on reality.
You need to calm down, sit down, shut up and grow the fuck up. Learn some real world social skills and get your head out of the fucking clouds... before you wind up on a database and a restraining order.
Other red flag statements include:
"I'm not like other guys."
* No, you're worse.
"I have so much love to give."
* What is that even mean!?
"I'll treat you right."
* Sure you will... like, takeing care of your anime collection right?
Only others get to make that statement, not you. Do yourself a favor, gather your trenchcoat, fingeless gloves and Trilby you think is a Fedora, torch them and start fresh.
A real nice guy can find a nice girl.
Though I think you're giving the self-proclaimed "nice guys" too much credit. Most of them (well, the ones who go around saying how nice they are anyway – genuinely nice people usually don't brag like that) are nice only until they find out the girl they're interested in is taken or just not interested in them. Then their mask usually slips off and the girl realizes she actually dodged a b̶u̶l̶l̶e̶t̶ nuke.
I recommend a video by ContraPoints titled "Incels", it's very insightful in this respect and covers toxic behaviors not just among these people but on the internet as a whole.
You are actually a boychild with little to no clue as to how the real world and social interaction works coupled with a head full of fantasy and a tenuous grasp on reality.
You need to calm down, sit down, shut up and grow the fuck up. Learn some real world social skills and get your head out of the fucking clouds... before you wind up on a database and a restraining order.
Other red flag statements include:
"I'm not like other guys."
* No, you're worse.
"I have so much love to give."
* What is that even mean!?
"I'll treat you right."
* Sure you will... like, takeing care of your anime collection right?
Only others get to make that statement, not you. Do yourself a favor, gather your trenchcoat, fingeless gloves and Trilby you think is a Fedora, torch them and start fresh.
But they're not wrong.