well from a psychology point of view empathy seems to be an innate skill that most humans have because we are social creatures that form packs and need to be aware of our pack members mental state. though i'm open to the idea that empathy as a skill can be further developed.
(sorry Celia for answering for you: i'm sure you can explain better)
It goes along those lines.
Empathy is an adaptative trait and we are wired to develop it (babies tend to react more to the cry of another child more than to other sounds, for example) but we need social interactions (from peers, family...) to buid it during the years (we are born as self centered as it gets)
Trauma at a young age, when empathy is being developed, can result into it not being well formed or the person not being able to expres it
However, there's people that defends that after trauma (such as losing your home to a fire) depending on the age of the child the results may vary around the time of the incident; younger children tend to be more selfish and older children may be more generous, because their understanding of others is more advanced.
There's different outcomes for different people, because not everyones enviroment/trauma/resilience is the same, but trauma in general should not be romantified.
Hope it helps.
I think it’s learned, but it’s not a defense or survival tactic. It’s a necessary and useful skill for a highly socially cooperative species.
We should all encourage this trait’s development in ourselves and others. Like language, it’s complex, but that doesn’t mean it’s not inborn. If you think empathy is unusual, that’s likely because your baseline for it is really high.
Yeah not true. My roommate of 6+ years can't seem to grasp it for more than 5 seconds. About to get his teeth knocked in for it too so possibly a survival tactic for other people.
Yes. That's one of my 2,000 reasons why I'm choosing not to have children. I can't take the chance that I will end up like my parents, grandparents, great grandparents...
Abused children are only at risk of becoming abusers themselves if they grow up thinking that this is how things are. If they have any inkling that what's happening is not okay then they're almost guaranteed to not become abusers. Awareness of your own upbringing and a desire not to recreate it with your children is enough to break the cycle.
I never had any idea whatsoever that being chased around a truck having threats of ass beatings being yelled behind me was abnormal until like 17 when it was pointed out by a friend when asked why i'm so jumpy
I also broke the cycle of abuse. It took a lot of work and therapy. You can see how this theory has some logic to it: it’s true that children who grow up in abusive homes tend to have a heightened awareness of the emotions of those around them as a survival tactic. But that’s not quite what empathy is. It is also true that a lot of people in helping fields (in my case social work) have been through trauma and feel compelled to help others.
I started to realize that my childhood wasn't normal from a very young age. Once my uncle duct-taped my mouth 'as a joke' because I wouldn't stop laughing at something I saw on TV. But at the time, I thought it was hilarious and wacky. Years later I am like what the fuck! But I think when I really started to realize that my childhood wasn't quite right was when I got in the car after school. I was in my freshman year of high school and in a very place place mentally. It wasn't unusual for me to get in the car after school and just vent to my mom about what had happened to me that day. Well, I guess today she just didn't want to hear it.
I told her about how my free time blocks had been reduced from 12 on a ten day period to only 6. I was really upset. I was stuck in two mind-numbing study halls a day, and thanks to my ADHD I could never get any work done. So it was basically sitting in a cold room for two and a half HOURS. I started crying and my mom said,
"I don't know why you always have a problem to dump on me! Everyday when you get in the car after school it's just bitch and moan, moan and bitch. There's always something you're not happy with! Why can't you just shut up and suck it up like I do? You'd NEVER, EVER see me going to my mommy to cry! I don't understand you."
To this day, those are still the most hurtful words ever said to me. But it got worse. I think crying was a pretty reasonable reaction. I tried to wipe my eyes as subtly as I could, but she noticed, and I could see the veins in her neck pulsing.
"Oh my God! Are you serious? Are you seriously fucking CRYING?! What the fuck is wrong with you? Stop crying, you're acting like a little bitch! Shut the fuck up! Just shut up. Shut up!"
I had never in my life heard my mom say something like that, especially to me. It was honestly terrifying. She was so angry she was vibrating. I was so scared that I couldn't even speak and when we got home I ran straight to my room
and stayed there until morning. What the fuck was that. I'm still in shock, months later. I never got any sort of apology and when I bring it up she acts like it never even happened. I hope someone responds because I will have to delete this soon before somebody I know sees it and recognizes the story.
I’m so sorry you went through that. Some parents aren’t good at putting their children first all the time, and it sounds like maybe she is either in denial of it having happened, or maybe she even blocked it from her memory. In no way can a person be diagnosed based on a snippet of a story, but I have known people to have that kind of behavior who have mental health conditions. Whatever was going on, it wasn’t you who caused it, and you certainly didn’t deserve it. I won’t tell you things will get better with your mom, but things in life can get better, and your strength and coping will grow and expand.
Thank you so much your response and your kind words. I always screenshot thoughtful comments to look at when I'm feeling down. And yes, my mom has many diagnoses.
You’re welcome. My dad has borderline personality disorder and was extremely volatile. I also have a number of family members with bipolar disorder, a lot of volatility there as well. I’m in my 30’s now and no longer have a relationship with my father. It was better for me to cut him out of my life rather than go on his rollercoaster. What’s frustrating is how infrequently people with bad behavior take responsibility for it. I also have bipolar disorder, but work my ass off every day to manage it because I never want to do to others what has been done to me. No one deserves to be abused. And no one has the right to abuse another. Family included. You deserve love and kindness and patience.
There is no excuse for what your mum did but maybe she had issues of her own and that's how she dealt with it? I'm so sorry that you had to hear those words but the one thing you have control of is how you react..you need time to heal but also know that you are in control of your own feelings. You can either choose to dwell on what happened or think about how her being an ass to you isn't your fault and know that it was unfair. Acknowledge it but don't dwell on it and try to move past it because you should never let anyone else control how you feel..this might not make sense now but I hope it does someday sun please take care of yourself and know that your concerns do matter..hope things get better
I know how you feel Sunflower, I always feel like I matured much faster than normal. In seventh grade I completely stopped crying because if I did there would be no one to comfort anyone in my family and when your nine-year-old sister thinks she is about to be kidnapped because your mom didn't show up for a drug deal and the dealer says he will kidnap her kids if she doesn't show up (which ended up not happening, thank god) you have to have someone who can comfort and protect her.
I don't know about all of you but the only way I could deal with an abusive parent was avoiding them as much as possible because you can't predict what will happen next, you just have to avoid them and hope for the best.
(sorry Celia for answering for you: i'm sure you can explain better)
Empathy is an adaptative trait and we are wired to develop it (babies tend to react more to the cry of another child more than to other sounds, for example) but we need social interactions (from peers, family...) to buid it during the years (we are born as self centered as it gets)
Trauma at a young age, when empathy is being developed, can result into it not being well formed or the person not being able to expres it
However, there's people that defends that after trauma (such as losing your home to a fire) depending on the age of the child the results may vary around the time of the incident; younger children tend to be more selfish and older children may be more generous, because their understanding of others is more advanced.
There's different outcomes for different people, because not everyones enviroment/trauma/resilience is the same, but trauma in general should not be romantified.
Hope it helps.
We should all encourage this trait’s development in ourselves and others. Like language, it’s complex, but that doesn’t mean it’s not inborn. If you think empathy is unusual, that’s likely because your baseline for it is really high.
I told her about how my free time blocks had been reduced from 12 on a ten day period to only 6. I was really upset. I was stuck in two mind-numbing study halls a day, and thanks to my ADHD I could never get any work done. So it was basically sitting in a cold room for two and a half HOURS. I started crying and my mom said,
To this day, those are still the most hurtful words ever said to me. But it got worse. I think crying was a pretty reasonable reaction. I tried to wipe my eyes as subtly as I could, but she noticed, and I could see the veins in her neck pulsing.
"Oh my God! Are you serious? Are you seriously fucking CRYING?! What the fuck is wrong with you? Stop crying, you're acting like a little bitch! Shut the fuck up! Just shut up. Shut up!"
I had never in my life heard my mom say something like that, especially to me. It was honestly terrifying. She was so angry she was vibrating. I was so scared that I couldn't even speak and when we got home I ran straight to my room