First of all, there are tax reasons. Second is legal issues regarding things like end of life care. There are a lot of fucked up things that have happened with gay couples when gay marriages were not allowable: situations where their partner of years was not allowed to have a say in the partner's care, while their parents who disowned them and haven't been involved in their life for decades do because the parents have the legal rights as next of kin.
There’s a LOT to marriage, but short answer: the law actually recognizes that this person is your partner in life. In the ways talked about above and some others. Other than that, picking the right person is difficult: you have to find someone who:
You’re attracted to
You will want to kill less than once per week, ideally
You are willing to commit to talking to instead of killing when you want to
You respect enough to support
You have reason to believe thinks the same of you.
In the case of children, marriage also makes it so that if one of the partner dies the other can keep taking care of the child even if they're not their biological parent, instead of having someone else in the family reclaim it.
If you marry someone and they actively contribute to the maintenance of the relationship - financially or otherwise - then it is not "your" money. Your partner earns it. And, in situations where only one person works especially, like you are trusting them not to fuck you over by undervaluing the money/pensions/property etc... They are trusting YOU not to fuck them over by leaving them with nothing
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But the other side of the coin is - they have to actually contribute. This doesn't mean being a slave to your every whim. It means comfort, support, guidance. Looking for the areas you lack and actively trying to make them better. It may mean doing the housework, or looking after the children. It means respect and loyalty (but not blind loyalty). Being able to handle the occasional meltdown or bad day.
I think people get confused about marriage. You're not just picking a lover. You're picking a warrior. The person you trust to face the endless battle that IS being alive.
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And men absolutely should be cautious about it. Women should as well - Though men are far more likely to be fucked over by the custody courts.
Honestly I think it's time we as society got over the fad about marriage. It's just government meddling with your personal affairs. Relationships that are bound to fail will fail regardless. I would rather not get married than have a pre-nup.
Honestly if you think if you marry than you lose all that and probably more than maybe you shouldn’t marry because it’s obvious you are not ready to be an adult.
A real marriage built from love will not take those things from you.
They will build them bigger with you.
Your friends if they leave because you got married than they are not good friends. A good partner would not mind you hanging out with your friends they have friends of their own and you can go with yours while their goes with theirs.
A good partner will give you the same respect you give in return.
As for your space seriously you can’t stand to share a house? Are you so annul that sharing a house is torture?
For money if you aren’t wanting to share your money than why not split the bills? A lot of couples do this. They tally how much all the bills are and each pay half or one pays certain bills while one pays the others.
And I’m sorry but HA HA HA HA you worried you lose your sex life lmfao
What you think only sex you get is the honeymoon than they say nope sorry theme park is permanently closed.
Lmfao seriously the old joke of no sex after marriage is ridiculous. Shit I’m ace yet that still happens. Honestly yes over time the second does slow down but guess why AGE yeah think about it you really want to be that 70 yr old couple bumping uglies.
And listen only way you “lose your family” is if you FUCK UP! So don’t fuck up.
So don’t go sleep around don’t treat your spouse like shit don’t treat your kids like shit.
Your spouse turn out the bad guy don’t diss them in front the kids. The kids will see how bad they are and you won’t lose your family.
As for your parents don’t let them treat your spouse like shit. It’s not that hard!
And you can’t do all this just stay a single person.
A lot of men want to stay married, it’s the women that make it hard or leave. They’re the ones that generally cash out when the going gets tough because they have so much more to gain from broken men and it’s just so much easier to move on
Fun fact: a woman diagnosed with a serious illness is two to six times (depending on source) more likely to be left by her male spouse or partner than a man with a similar diagnosis with a female partner.
The shit you find out when your spouse gets diagnosed.
If the spouse is the reason a marriage ends than that’s on them.
If the guy did all he could to love respect and be worthy of love but still the spouse either cheated or treated him like shit or just flat out fell out of love than that’s not his fault. You can’t half ass your marriage. It’s not the same as dating. You go from a I to being a we and yes your life is forever going to be thinking of more than yourself.
Yes there is a risk that you put your all in and the other person takes and doesn’t give back. But that’s why you don’t get married till you are ready and sure you picked the right person for you.
People think of marriage as just the next step of dating but really marriage is a life change.
If you want to be like your single but be married than found a partner that feels the same.
Picture how you see your marriage make a fictional partner. What do you see when you interact with them? How you want them to respond is the type person you should look for.
Women risk the same things. Except that they lose custody battles less often, but they're more often victims of domestic abuse, so it's not like women are just there having no life before meeting men and not risking anything.
Also, Helen has a skewed view of marriage and sounds low-key like an incel.
Tbh I think people dismissing this stuff may be part of the problem.
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Men - a lot of men - are telling people that they feel taken advantage of. They feel ignored. That they're frightened and tired - and here are reasons why.
`
And for many of them (at least the ones I've talked to) sex is only a small aspect of it. Usually they actually have access to sex - but they feel so disconnected from their partner, they don't want to engage. Or, alternatively, when they DO engage... their partners treat it like a chore. Or, worse still, like some act of benevolence they are GRACING upon their partner - and shouldn't he be grateful?
`
Obviously not all, but in many instances the woman they're with seemingly brings little to the table. She doesn't work - or usually makes less than him, but spends far more than he does on things he views as frivolous.
`
On the other side, in terms of looking after the house, that often is an area either split 50/50 or left lacking. Food isn't made, clothes aren't picked up, etc. And to be clear - I'm not saying those are "womens' work." I'm saying they're the responsibility of both partners - with the responsibility potentially shifting depending on who works more.
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^ all of which can lead to feelings of resentment, which fester in the category of emotional neglect - which is perhaps the most damaging of the aspects.
`
Many men feel neglected emotionally by the women they date or marry. They will come to her with a problem, and nothing will change. Boundaries are ignored.
`
In many instances women seem to still treat men as the "provider" who MUST fulfill his role, but they fail to actually offer a counterbalance to that.
`
And unfortunately by the time many of these men may realize they picked the wrong person.. They also learn that any hope of escape comes with a HEAVY cost
If they are abused, their abuse is more likely to be ignored or mocked
`
If they had resources, they have to watch them split and given to a person they may already feel they invested more than enough in (and got nothing back from)
`
Custody is almost a moot point since the court system will almost always side with the woman
`
`
And just to be clear: I'm not saying this is how all relationships work, or that all women are terrible/all men are victims etc. And this is also a conversation that can be mirrored back at men with similar results often enough
`
The only real point is that men are feeling increasingly disenchanted with the idea of committing when it seems to so often result in their own unhappiness. Tbh I'm pretty sure there's a fair number of women who also feel this way, though perhaps for different reasons
I don't think it's fair or actually consistent to write these feelings off as the bleatings of incels (not directed at you specifically btw). Most of the men I've known that this has happened to are genuinely good men who were good husbands/partners/whatever
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There seems to be something genuinely wrong for so many people to feel this way, and it's clearly a highly nuanced issue
Except for the separation part, these are linked to dating before even marriage tbh.
And from conversations I've had, a lot of girls from my generation don't wish to marry either, as this is still often the end of freedom, with activities controlled, some have lost friends due to dating a jealous guy in the past, have been basically classified as "had" when conquered which isn't big on respect, their sex life has increased though, despite them often not being comfortable with that, and they don't fancy being expected to do all the chores etc.
I'm not saying men don't suffer from sexism -they do-, but Helen's discourse is simplistic, and she doesn't develop her points but makes it sound like women are out there as vultures or at best assholes.
(Also, if you marry someone who makes you lose your friends, family, respect and money, you plainly married an abuser. It's not a norm and shouldn't be passed as a norm).
And also, yes, coming on "men suffer from sexism" posts to say women do to is the same as coming on "women suffer from sexism" posts to say men suffer equally. It looks like a problem shouldn't be solved because others have problems, which is idiotic.
However I did it here because of the way this post is biased and formulated, "as soon as they say "I do", their power disappears" is a very strong sentence and it applies to women at least equally as men, today and historically.
Bah, sorry - I meant to preface my comment by saying it wasn't directed at YOU personally -- just the concept of referring to men who are frustrated or afraid of commitment (with valid reasons, even if their solutions may not necessarily be productive) as "incels" is, similarly, non-productive
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I wasn't taking your comment as a "women suffer too" type deal, either -- women absolutely 100% have reasons for not wanting to commit either. Which ironically seems to have left us with a cycle of people who want to commit ending up being with people who only pretend to commit, causing people to not WANT to commit, and then never finding a person worth their time by the end of it
That sounds kinda, uh, incel-y, and blaming women for the whole thing, when marriage is about *both* people, and they should be equals.
.
That said, I don't plan to get married. All of my mom's relationships ended up poorly, with her partners (for the record, she only ever dated men) always either abusing her, or us kids.
I suppose every person's experience is different, but so many of the things that this person says men lose, I actually gained: friends, respect, sex, and a family. I found it easier to socialize when I became a part of a couple. I found that people quit looking at you weird when they see you are not married yet ("what's a nice guy like you doing still single at your age?"). I started having a regular sex life, which led to having a family of my own, and it didn't cost me the family I already had. I could go on, but getting married was one of the best decisions I ever made.
I think the problem is not marriage itself, but rather, it's that western society does not do nearly enough to prepare young people for a healthy marriage.
You’re attracted to
You will want to kill less than once per week, ideally
You are willing to commit to talking to instead of killing when you want to
You respect enough to support
You have reason to believe thinks the same of you.
`
But the other side of the coin is - they have to actually contribute. This doesn't mean being a slave to your every whim. It means comfort, support, guidance. Looking for the areas you lack and actively trying to make them better. It may mean doing the housework, or looking after the children. It means respect and loyalty (but not blind loyalty). Being able to handle the occasional meltdown or bad day.
`
And men absolutely should be cautious about it. Women should as well - Though men are far more likely to be fucked over by the custody courts.
Especially in our country where they require us to invite like atleast a thousand people just to show off...
A real marriage built from love will not take those things from you.
They will build them bigger with you.
Your friends if they leave because you got married than they are not good friends. A good partner would not mind you hanging out with your friends they have friends of their own and you can go with yours while their goes with theirs.
A good partner will give you the same respect you give in return.
As for your space seriously you can’t stand to share a house? Are you so annul that sharing a house is torture?
For money if you aren’t wanting to share your money than why not split the bills? A lot of couples do this. They tally how much all the bills are and each pay half or one pays certain bills while one pays the others.
And I’m sorry but HA HA HA HA you worried you lose your sex life lmfao
Lmfao seriously the old joke of no sex after marriage is ridiculous. Shit I’m ace yet that still happens. Honestly yes over time the second does slow down but guess why AGE yeah think about it you really want to be that 70 yr old couple bumping uglies.
And listen only way you “lose your family” is if you FUCK UP! So don’t fuck up.
So don’t go sleep around don’t treat your spouse like shit don’t treat your kids like shit.
Your spouse turn out the bad guy don’t diss them in front the kids. The kids will see how bad they are and you won’t lose your family.
As for your parents don’t let them treat your spouse like shit. It’s not that hard!
And you can’t do all this just stay a single person.
The shit you find out when your spouse gets diagnosed.
If the guy did all he could to love respect and be worthy of love but still the spouse either cheated or treated him like shit or just flat out fell out of love than that’s not his fault. You can’t half ass your marriage. It’s not the same as dating. You go from a I to being a we and yes your life is forever going to be thinking of more than yourself.
Yes there is a risk that you put your all in and the other person takes and doesn’t give back. But that’s why you don’t get married till you are ready and sure you picked the right person for you.
People think of marriage as just the next step of dating but really marriage is a life change.
If you want to be like your single but be married than found a partner that feels the same.
Picture how you see your marriage make a fictional partner. What do you see when you interact with them? How you want them to respond is the type person you should look for.
Also, Helen has a skewed view of marriage and sounds low-key like an incel.
`
Men - a lot of men - are telling people that they feel taken advantage of. They feel ignored. That they're frightened and tired - and here are reasons why.
`
And for many of them (at least the ones I've talked to) sex is only a small aspect of it. Usually they actually have access to sex - but they feel so disconnected from their partner, they don't want to engage. Or, alternatively, when they DO engage... their partners treat it like a chore. Or, worse still, like some act of benevolence they are GRACING upon their partner - and shouldn't he be grateful?
`
Obviously not all, but in many instances the woman they're with seemingly brings little to the table. She doesn't work - or usually makes less than him, but spends far more than he does on things he views as frivolous.
`
`
^ all of which can lead to feelings of resentment, which fester in the category of emotional neglect - which is perhaps the most damaging of the aspects.
`
Many men feel neglected emotionally by the women they date or marry. They will come to her with a problem, and nothing will change. Boundaries are ignored.
`
In many instances women seem to still treat men as the "provider" who MUST fulfill his role, but they fail to actually offer a counterbalance to that.
`
And unfortunately by the time many of these men may realize they picked the wrong person.. They also learn that any hope of escape comes with a HEAVY cost
`
If they had resources, they have to watch them split and given to a person they may already feel they invested more than enough in (and got nothing back from)
`
Custody is almost a moot point since the court system will almost always side with the woman
`
`
And just to be clear: I'm not saying this is how all relationships work, or that all women are terrible/all men are victims etc. And this is also a conversation that can be mirrored back at men with similar results often enough
`
The only real point is that men are feeling increasingly disenchanted with the idea of committing when it seems to so often result in their own unhappiness. Tbh I'm pretty sure there's a fair number of women who also feel this way, though perhaps for different reasons
`
There seems to be something genuinely wrong for so many people to feel this way, and it's clearly a highly nuanced issue
And from conversations I've had, a lot of girls from my generation don't wish to marry either, as this is still often the end of freedom, with activities controlled, some have lost friends due to dating a jealous guy in the past, have been basically classified as "had" when conquered which isn't big on respect, their sex life has increased though, despite them often not being comfortable with that, and they don't fancy being expected to do all the chores etc.
I'm not saying men don't suffer from sexism -they do-, but Helen's discourse is simplistic, and she doesn't develop her points but makes it sound like women are out there as vultures or at best assholes.
(Also, if you marry someone who makes you lose your friends, family, respect and money, you plainly married an abuser. It's not a norm and shouldn't be passed as a norm).
However I did it here because of the way this post is biased and formulated, "as soon as they say "I do", their power disappears" is a very strong sentence and it applies to women at least equally as men, today and historically.
`
I wasn't taking your comment as a "women suffer too" type deal, either -- women absolutely 100% have reasons for not wanting to commit either. Which ironically seems to have left us with a cycle of people who want to commit ending up being with people who only pretend to commit, causing people to not WANT to commit, and then never finding a person worth their time by the end of it
.
That said, I don't plan to get married. All of my mom's relationships ended up poorly, with her partners (for the record, she only ever dated men) always either abusing her, or us kids.
I think the problem is not marriage itself, but rather, it's that western society does not do nearly enough to prepare young people for a healthy marriage.